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Part II. This was broadcast over some radio station many years ago. The guy's clever but,
as you'll finally see, compared to MY OWN part III, he's really simplistic.
(by Bob Sanders, radio station WBBM, Chicago, some years ago)
‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
It was the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of “Saint Nicholas”.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebral cortices.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when, upon the adventitious exterior portion of the grounds, there ascended, within auditory parameters, such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt (somewhat beyond mere motivational stimulation) ideational and physiological compellation to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source of the above-designated audio-sensory addend.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration. Noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was upon the surface of recent cryo-crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself . . . Thus permitting my incredulous optic sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne, runnered, conveyance whose motion along vectors of altitude as well as longitudinal and/or latitudinous traversation appeared to be effected by eight diminuative specimens of the genus Rangifer, the forward-positioned one thereof being endowed with, as well as the antlers common to all, a uniquely luminous olfactory protruberance, also noteworthy by its redness.
This conveyance was piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble, that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller, Saint Nick.
With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly expelled breath musically through contracted labials, and addressed each of the antlered octet by his or her respective cognomen: “Now Dasher, now Dancer”, et. Al.
He guided them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the thirty-two cloven pedal extremities (of the reindeer). As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a postural 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved, with utmost celerity and via a downward leap, entry by the way of the smoke passage rising from the wood-burning caloric apparatus (affixed with seasonally situated hosiery as designated at the inception of our consideration of existential and situational dynamics herein).
He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated upon the walls of the smoke passage. Further, his resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His optic orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his sub maxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal protruberance were engorged with blood which suffused in subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium (or “sweet cherry”). His amusing sub and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared as small, tabular, columnar crystals.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes of combustion formed a tenuous ellipse about his cranium and were suggestive (as well as of orbital or oscullant solar systemic features) of decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than high and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his endomorphic essence, especially the corpulent abdominal region, undulated in the manner of misestimated fruit syrup in an oblate hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort on my part to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid in alternating reciprocitous process and sequence, and also by rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with various aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned, previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a singular manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture suggesting leave-taking, and forthwith effected such disembarkation by egress renegotiating, now in ascent, his previous passage through the smoke passage.
He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed of the family Compositae.
But I heard his parting exclamation, audible immediately before his vehicular passage beyond the limens of visual as well as auditory reception:
“Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency,
and to that self-same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
pleasurable period between sunset and dawn!!!”